twisted reality

happiness

2011-10-28T02:37:00.001-07:00

I'm in love. I never thought it would actually happen to me. It did. I've never been this happy. I was never a baby/kid person. But when she came out of this world after 38 weeks, I knew my life would never be the same. Just holding her in my arms gives me a sense of peace. I could just hold her forever, well if she wasn't that heavy I would, haha. The little things she does makes me smile. Imagine me, being that happy. I could if that were a bag or a watch or a diamond. But all that is nothing compared to this tiny thing I'm holding right now. I'm in love. completely and deeply. And contented.

unrealistic reality

2011-10-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

My brother proposed to his girlfriend of 5 months yesterday. I'm happy for him but it seems too early to do so. I mean, come on, what do you actually know about the other person in 5 months? All their basic information and the plastic coated traits. I'm sorry, I do believe in the concept of you know when you know but I also believe in the "getting to know for at least a year or two" idea. 5 months to a year is a blissful moment in any relationship. It's all about the cuddling, kissing, phone conversations and a whole lot of semi-pretentious moments. I think it takes at least a year for reality to set in. A layer is peeled and some tiny bit of true self comes out. Or maybe he's just too in love to realize any of this logic. I just really hope he knows what he's getting himself into. There's no divorce around here.

happy anniversary

2011-10-08T03:13:00.001-07:00

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of our business. I feel really proud and blessed. I remember being worried and unsure about it. I was scared because I had to asked money from my mother who I was afraid of disappointing. Looking back, we work so hard into making it what it is. Well, it isn't a multi million dollar enterprise. haha. not yet anyway. Again, a pat in the back is in order.

too late

2011-10-08T03:02:00.000-07:00

Why do some long term relationships never work? Is it because they've together for so long that they end up not knowing who they are? Or does the love really die after so long?

My sister broke off her nine year relationship a couple of months ago and somehow there isn't a definite explanation on why it happened. Well, the guy wanted to propose and after a few days he ended up having cold feet but it strained the relationship after that. Why wouldn't it? You've been together with this guy which you thought you knew and suddenly he wasn't ready to marry you. What's worse is that he's unsure on when he would be ready to. How stupid is that? Are you just suppose to stand around until his feet gets warm and he is ready? What if he never gets to that point? I'm glad my sister ended it. She deserves better. Someone who knows what he wants and isn't confuse. Maybe he's scared but the idea that he's not sure why he is certainly doesn't make anyone feel better. I'd rather have someone who knows why he's not ready atleast he knows. Financially. Emotionally. But he doesn't know. Well, man, I hope you figure it out. Don't worry, by then it will be too late for you.

A miracle

2011-10-08T02:50:00.000-07:00

Today I feel blessed. I know. It should feel that way everyday. But hey, I don't want to lie to myself because there are days when I don't. Somehow, as I look on at this tiny little thing I'm holding I realize life is indeed a miracle. Corny as it may sound, I feel fulfilled at this very moment. As though everything fell into place and it did. I'm happy. I never really thought I would become that person. It was always about material things to me. It still is. But this little thing changed me. My hope for the future are different now. It's all about her now. Well, who would have believe this new me? I certainly didn't.

Me.... a sinner?

2008-02-06T04:06:00.000-08:00

I'm terrified. I thought I could do anything that God throws at me. This is something that I'm not sure I would survive. why am I being punished? I've thought about all the stupid things that I ever did, hmmm...., maybe that's why. But it's not enough to judge me accordingly. Or He may just be challenging me. To see how I would react or handle this. I'm not even sure I could. I never ever believe these type of things would happen, much less to me. haha. It did. Not so funny after all.

frustration continues.....

2008-02-05T03:30:00.000-08:00

I'm just overly disappointed and frustrated right now. Why are all the bump in the road seem to gear towards me? What did I do to deserve all that? Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right choice in my life. I don't know. I can't seem to get over the fact that all these supposedly impossible things are happening to me. And you know what? I always end up as the villain. Because I'm not understanding enough. Am i not? After all the things I have put up with? Minsan kakapagod lang I hate worrying about things. I mean I'm worried enough as it is with my life and now I have more things to be scared of! Dang this life!

i'm not built that way

2008-02-05T03:21:00.000-08:00

sometimes its so dang frustrated! I feel as though I'm already married and I'm the one doing all the work. Sometimes, it's a thin line between supporting and being taken advantage of. I mean where does it stop being me all the time? Isn't responsibility suppose to be distributed? I can't always have pity. What about me? Just because we're connected in some ways does not indicate that I should just accept the truth. Its your turn now. I can't exactly shoulder everything. It has been 2 years but where's the contribution? It's so damn tiring! Not even a drop. I can't always pity. It's not enough anymore.

Hate mondays

2008-02-04T05:50:00.000-08:00

I had a not so good day today. Besides the weather being oh so hot, the unwanted things seem to happen all at the same time. I hate that. I've been cranky all day long and I hate myself for that. But I can't seem to stop it. Its frustration. That's what it is. Argh!

A new beginning - hopefully

2007-12-23T18:55:00.000-08:00

This year is about to end which basically means we have a new year to look forward to. I'm actually looking forward to it because there are so many things I want to do differently. This would be my chance to. At 26, I feel as though there are still so many things that I've yet accomplished. Well, I'm not as idealistic as I was five years ago but that person still remains inside. I still want to feel fulfilled and my dreams to be realized. But I'm not really sure if that is possible. Sometimes, I don't believe in my abilities anymore. I don't know why. But there are moments when I just want to turn in the towel and stop searching for more. Maybe I'm too much of a dreamer. Maybe it's not enough. I hope this coming year would be a lot different. I hope this coming year I find my way to where I'm really suppose to go. I don't want to be scared anymore. I just want to feel fulfilled.

What makes you a better man?

2007-09-07T21:20:00.001-07:00

Are you a better man? Just because you're in your 50's, have tons of money, a successful career and an amazing family? He is just 26, trying to improve his business and paying off old debts?
Are you a better man? Just because even with all the success that you have you manage to be so unhappy and unsatisfied? While he who doesn't have it all still manages to smile day by day even behind those smile he struggles to save his family?
Are you a better man then? You look at your life day by day and yet you don't see a reason to live? You wonder why you are not happy and why you need to look outside to get a glimpse of what happiness is all about. He, on the other hand, gets to look at his life and still thanks God for what he has and thankful that he survives.
No, you're not a better man. How dare you get to dictate who the better man is when you can't even be happy with your life?
He lives his life knowing how hard it is and he doesn't even complain about it. Not once did he made others feel that his life is not as good as everybody elses.
You have it all and yet it seems no one wants to be in your shoes.
Don't tell me you're the better man. You're not.

Disappointment

2007-09-07T21:07:00.000-07:00

I'm really disappointed with my parents. I've always thought they trust me, my choices and my beliefs. But apparently behind my back they look at me differently. They fear my choices. They don't believe that I've made all the right decisions especially in the most important aspect in my life. And now they're trying to control my brother's life. I pity him. Imagine having such a good life and yet you are left with no choice. You don't get to be with the love of your life just because they said so. How dare they? They're not committed to that person my brother is. They don't get to live in the same house forever, he does. I could just imagine him living his unhappy life and my parents realizing the mistake they made in trying to push him in a different life. We work routinely day by day, unhappy or happy maybe but we still push ourselves in order to have a good life. The only thing that we look forward to is when we go home, that one person inside waiting for us. Yet we are still deprived of that because of what? Not good enough? NOt rich enough? Not CHINESE enough? It doesn't define a person. I just really hope they're not going to be disappointed with themselves as much as I am now with them.

happy birthday daddy :)

2007-05-19T20:51:00.000-07:00

Today is my dad's birthday. I know right this moment he doesn't even remember what today actually is. He did that last year completely forgetting his birthday until we greeted him. Odd isn't it? But I know its just because he is so busy thinking about so many things that knowing what the day is, isn't on his priority list.
I'm not that close to my dad but most of us isn't anyway. It's not because we fear him but it seems he's always been such a loner. He'll just be listening to our conversations and that's about it. He's just a really quiet guy that's always obsess with his architectural project. But I've always been proud of him. He doesn't know it but I am. I've become the person that I am today because what he does taught me a lot.
I've learned to be brave. I used to fear failing but now I've learned to realize it as a learning process towards better opportunities. I realized that out of the five or maybe ten businesses I'll enter only one will be successful. So, I've got a few more to fail. Hopefully out of five is enough :)
I've learned to be satisfied. I've always been unhappy with the things that I do. I feel that I haven't accomplished enough. I thought that by the time I'm 25 I'll be the successful person I want to be. And now I feel I am. I realized that I was able to achieve some of the things I set out to do. Although it is a long list, I know I'll get to it one at a time.
Thanks to you dad. You may not know it but you have made me who I am. I'm happy, strong and satisfied.

Signs

2006-08-08T03:47:00.000-07:00

I've never really asked for a sign before. Maybe because it was too good to be true. I mean imagine getting a hint for what road should be taken, it would save us a lot of trouble on taking our time before going forward. But how do you exactly interpret one? Does it enter your dream? And that's it? Is it that easy? What if all your interpretations are wrong when you thought it actually fits the sign you're looking for? So, that's not the sign? I hate to admit it but I did ask for one. I don't know why. Out of desperation probably. I was completely trapped. I didn't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I was deeply confused. This wasn't something I could delete if I made a wrong decision. It was something permanent. It would be a part of my failed past. I don't want that hanging around me. So, I prayed for a sign. I thought I got a nod. A sign to go for it. Apparently, I was wrong. I pretended and interpreted everything that was happening to me when all the while it was just what it was, no sign there. I felt like a fool. No, I was a fool. Maybe that's a sign.... to not believe there is such thing as one.

my love story

2006-05-19T22:52:00.000-07:00

I’ve always believe that Nard is a gift from God to me. Cheesy as it may sound but it was something that I’ve known for such a long time. Probably because for the first twenty one years of my life I had a hard time finding the right guy for me. I mean of course I wasn’t looking for Mr. Right but I was searching for that certain feeling and I couldn’t find it. It made me realize that maybe I just needed to wait for it only meant someone great will come my way. And he did. It was at his birthday party that we saw each other again. Yes, two years prior to that we were introduced and I couldn’t quite get over that moment. He shook my hand and I felt a tingle all over. That really came as a shock and at that moment I knew, somehow, he might be the one I was waiting for. Unfortunately, he had a girlfriend at that time, so I guess I wasn’t the one for him. Two years after, fate brought me back to him and this time he was single and tipsy as I was that night, he took care of me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so comfortable with anyone as I did with him. I was taken care of. Loved. And most of all, deliriously happy! Three years may have passed and I still feel crazily in love with him. I still feel tingled whenever he holds my hand and I get “kilig” whenever he says I love you to me. I’m so lucky to have found the one great love in my life that takes a liftime to find. I knew it would be worth the wait for it only meant I was going to find the one I was going to love the rest of my life. love you baby! :)

Ugh Sorry!

2006-05-02T06:43:00.000-07:00

When does sorry means sorry? I don't get it. It is overused but unmeaningful, most of the time. It is constantly being use as an excuse to escape of what should be discussed or even argued further. It crosses out the arguments and the fights as though they have never happen. I hate that. I don't want things just forgotten. How are we suppose to be better when we just hide behind our sorries? How can we grow in our relationships when we just ignore it? I'm sorry but it's just not me. Wait, I take that back, I'M NOT SORRY.

Don't Let me Fall

2006-05-02T06:30:00.000-07:00

There are times when I just want to give up. I try hard not to. But there are certain moments when I knew I just have to. I know it's never an option but maybe it should be. How can you go forward when it is pulling you from the things you know you should do or can do? You give everything you got and push yourself to the edge but it's still not enough. When would it be enough? And I always seem to be the wrong one. I have too little patience. I'm too pushy and overdramatic. I'm just exaggerated. Can I give up me? Maybe I should. I'm the one that's overanalytical about everything. I'm the one ready to throw in the towel. I'm at the edge. I hate it but I'm about to tip forward.

Perfect Reality

2006-04-15T23:05:00.000-07:00

For a moment, reality didn’t exist. It was just you and me, somewhere far away. You and I walking down the beach towards the sunset. I remembered having you by my side, holding your hand in mine and I couldn’t help but stare beyond the horizon. That was the most perfect moment in my life. No, it wasn’t the sunset nor the weather that took my breath away, it was having your hand in mine. That touch that fires my tired soul and heals my aching heart. Everytime your hand touches mine I feel this passion and love surging all over me. As my reality begin to exist again, I just draw my hand close to yours and for a single second I’m in a dream again.

A regrettable run

2006-04-15T22:58:00.000-07:00

No. I wish u didn’t run for me. It wasn’t worth it. I know it made you feel comforted and satisfied but it made me feel guilty. It made me feel as though I made you believe it was real when it wasn’t. I didn’t pushed you to do what you thought would help us. I made myself believe it was for me too when I knew you were running for yourself and no one else. I wasn’t the inspiration. I was led to believe that I was. But it doesn’t matter for I cheered you on. I wanted you to reach the finish line. Maybe it made me feel less guilty for having made you feel like you needed that run. But I knew you’ll be happier for I was happier where I am. The lessons. The resident. The beach. The walk. The pretentious belief that we wanted it but we knew it never was and it never will be. It isn’t neither longing nor wanting. It was just what it was. An unwanted moment.

No Coffee Please

2006-04-15T22:53:00.000-07:00

I have this so-called Sabrina moment in college when he stared at me and told me “this is what I want, you are what I want”. It was a head to toe kilig experience for me. I had coffee with him and we talked about great things together, it was clearly a moment. Then he told me he has a girlfriend and he’s just not happy with her anymore. It was at that last sentence that I almost choke on my coffee and at the same time wanted to wet him with one. I compose myself and I wanted to shout at him and curse him for leading me on prior to that. How dare he ask me out when he had a girlfriend? That isn’t at all respectful for both of us. Not even the I’m going to break up with her bit comforted me. Please. I’m not that stupid. But he did broke up with her. He continued asking me out but somehow no matter how bad I liked him, I suppressed it and manage to always say no. It was probably pride that pushed me but I knew it was the right decision. It wasn’t just wanting to have someone to love but at least let me have the right one to love if that’s possible. That is why I didn’t end up being a coffee drinker. Choking doesn’t help either.

Lost Self

2006-04-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

I have lost my sense of imagination for I am trapped in my own reality. The constant search for something more has left me unsatisfied and unhappy. I thought to myself that I’m just living the way life should be lived. But somehow it has left me to become hollow and selfish. My continued search for that pot of gold has left me to wonder, is this really what life is all about? Will that gold build us the satisfaction that we truly longed for in life? But how can we remake ourselves to become what we want to be when we are being pushed by reality? The reality that we need money in order to survive and live the life we want. Sometimes, I don’t see at all what it all means because I feel as though I’m suppose to be doing something for myself but then if I did choose that path how will I be able to live. It is as though money equalizes our lives. For that reason, it is as though we have become its slaves. We follow it wherever it might lead us to, no matter how difficult and sometimes, wrongful. But how can we deny it when it dictates our entire past, present and future? How are we suppose to live our life the way we want it to be?