Me.... a sinner?

I'm terrified. I thought I could do anything that God throws at me. This is something that I'm not sure I would survive. why am I being punished? I've thought about all the stupid things that I ever did, hmmm...., maybe that's why. But it's not enough to judge me accordingly. Or He may just be challenging me. To see how I would react or handle this. I'm not even sure I could. I never ever believe these type of things would happen, much less to me. haha. It did. Not so funny after all.

frustration continues.....

I'm just overly disappointed and frustrated right now. Why are all the bump in the road seem to gear towards me? What did I do to deserve all that? Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right choice in my life. I don't know. I can't seem to get over the fact that all these supposedly impossible things are happening to me. And you know what? I always end up as the villain. Because I'm not understanding enough. Am i not? After all the things I have put up with? Minsan kakapagod lang I hate worrying about things. I mean I'm worried enough as it is with my life and now I have more things to be scared of! Dang this life!

i'm not built that way

sometimes its so dang frustrated! I feel as though I'm already married and I'm the one doing all the work. Sometimes, it's a thin line between supporting and being taken advantage of. I mean where does it stop being me all the time? Isn't responsibility suppose to be distributed? I can't always have pity. What about me? Just because we're connected in some ways does not indicate that I should just accept the truth. Its your turn now. I can't exactly shoulder everything. It has been 2 years but where's the contribution? It's so damn tiring! Not even a drop. I can't always pity. It's not enough anymore.

Hate mondays

I had a not so good day today. Besides the weather being oh so hot, the unwanted things seem to happen all at the same time. I hate that. I've been cranky all day long and I hate myself for that. But I can't seem to stop it. Its frustration. That's what it is. Argh!

A new beginning - hopefully

This year is about to end which basically means we have a new year to look forward to. I'm actually looking forward to it because there are so many things I want to do differently. This would be my chance to. At 26, I feel as though there are still so many things that I've yet accomplished. Well, I'm not as idealistic as I was five years ago but that person still remains inside. I still want to feel fulfilled and my dreams to be realized. But I'm not really sure if that is possible. Sometimes, I don't believe in my abilities anymore. I don't know why. But there are moments when I just want to turn in the towel and stop searching for more. Maybe I'm too much of a dreamer. Maybe it's not enough. I hope this coming year would be a lot different. I hope this coming year I find my way to where I'm really suppose to go. I don't want to be scared anymore. I just want to feel fulfilled.

What makes you a better man?

Are you a better man? Just because you're in your 50's, have tons of money, a successful career and an amazing family? He is just 26, trying to improve his business and paying off old debts?
Are you a better man? Just because even with all the success that you have you manage to be so unhappy and unsatisfied? While he who doesn't have it all still manages to smile day by day even behind those smile he struggles to save his family?
Are you a better man then? You look at your life day by day and yet you don't see a reason to live? You wonder why you are not happy and why you need to look outside to get a glimpse of what happiness is all about. He, on the other hand, gets to look at his life and still thanks God for what he has and thankful that he survives.
No, you're not a better man. How dare you get to dictate who the better man is when you can't even be happy with your life?
He lives his life knowing how hard it is and he doesn't even complain about it. Not once did he made others feel that his life is not as good as everybody elses.
You have it all and yet it seems no one wants to be in your shoes.
Don't tell me you're the better man. You're not.

Disappointment

I'm really disappointed with my parents. I've always thought they trust me, my choices and my beliefs. But apparently behind my back they look at me differently. They fear my choices. They don't believe that I've made all the right decisions especially in the most important aspect in my life. And now they're trying to control my brother's life. I pity him. Imagine having such a good life and yet you are left with no choice. You don't get to be with the love of your life just because they said so. How dare they? They're not committed to that person my brother is. They don't get to live in the same house forever, he does. I could just imagine him living his unhappy life and my parents realizing the mistake they made in trying to push him in a different life. We work routinely day by day, unhappy or happy maybe but we still push ourselves in order to have a good life. The only thing that we look forward to is when we go home, that one person inside waiting for us. Yet we are still deprived of that because of what? Not good enough? NOt rich enough? Not CHINESE enough? It doesn't define a person. I just really hope they're not going to be disappointed with themselves as much as I am now with them.

happy birthday daddy :)

Today is my dad's birthday. I know right this moment he doesn't even remember what today actually is. He did that last year completely forgetting his birthday until we greeted him. Odd isn't it? But I know its just because he is so busy thinking about so many things that knowing what the day is, isn't on his priority list.
I'm not that close to my dad but most of us isn't anyway. It's not because we fear him but it seems he's always been such a loner. He'll just be listening to our conversations and that's about it. He's just a really quiet guy that's always obsess with his architectural project. But I've always been proud of him. He doesn't know it but I am. I've become the person that I am today because what he does taught me a lot.
I've learned to be brave. I used to fear failing but now I've learned to realize it as a learning process towards better opportunities. I realized that out of the five or maybe ten businesses I'll enter only one will be successful. So, I've got a few more to fail. Hopefully out of five is enough :)
I've learned to be satisfied. I've always been unhappy with the things that I do. I feel that I haven't accomplished enough. I thought that by the time I'm 25 I'll be the successful person I want to be. And now I feel I am. I realized that I was able to achieve some of the things I set out to do. Although it is a long list, I know I'll get to it one at a time.
Thanks to you dad. You may not know it but you have made me who I am. I'm happy, strong and satisfied.

Signs

I've never really asked for a sign before. Maybe because it was too good to be true. I mean imagine getting a hint for what road should be taken, it would save us a lot of trouble on taking our time before going forward. But how do you exactly interpret one? Does it enter your dream? And that's it? Is it that easy? What if all your interpretations are wrong when you thought it actually fits the sign you're looking for? So, that's not the sign? I hate to admit it but I did ask for one. I don't know why. Out of desperation probably. I was completely trapped. I didn't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I was deeply confused. This wasn't something I could delete if I made a wrong decision. It was something permanent. It would be a part of my failed past. I don't want that hanging around me. So, I prayed for a sign. I thought I got a nod. A sign to go for it. Apparently, I was wrong. I pretended and interpreted everything that was happening to me when all the while it was just what it was, no sign there. I felt like a fool. No, I was a fool. Maybe that's a sign.... to not believe there is such thing as one.